Mike's 2003 Movie Reviews

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE II (ITV2):

What a shocker. This film had so much potential and Cruise does his best to bring some life into it but its not enough. Totally ruined by John Woo and his stupid pointless slo-mos which just look stupid and naff. I remember hating it the first time round but was in the mood for an action movie so watched it again. The ITV News kicked in half way through so I lost interest and didn’t bother watching the rest of it. A great concept ruined. 2/10.


LIAR LIAR (ITV2):

Didn’t remember much about this movie so sat there and started watching it. I didn’t move and the adverts for once were a total nuisance ! What a cracker ! Laughed my socks off. I don’t usually like Court room dramas and Jim Carrey can get very irritating but I really laughed, many times. This is great fun and great entertainment even if the overall story is a bit corny and cheesy. Who cares ? I laughed and I loved it. 8/10.


COLUMBO: A Matter of Honour (Five):

Don’t laugh. Yes I watched this on Sunday after a tough bike race so it was good way to chill out. Peter Falk really is great. Sorry, but he is. He just MAKES Columbo. On the other hand I just don’t get Ricardo Montalban – you know him from Fantasy Island and Star Trek: Wrath of Khan? He struts around with his high waistband, naff Spanish accent and chest puffed out. He does this in all his movies. I think this episode was made in the 1970s and he looked about 70 then !
Montalban is a bull fighter who has to retire ‘due to injury’. He is a ‘national hero’ but truth is he’s a fraud and a cluck cluck. His business partner knows this and threatens to squeal so Montalban sets him up in the bullring and he is killed by a big black two tonne two horned monster. If only it was Montalban… Anyway Columbo is on holiday in Mexico, turns up at the murder scene - as you do - and as usual he just KNOWS it was a murder and exactly who did it. He helps the stupid Mexican police with their investigations and they get their man. Not a classic tale, and nothing new here, but its always fascinating at the stupid details Columbo picks up on which appear irrelevant. I’ve learned a lot from watching Columbo… Not the best Columbo story ever but a story nonetheless. 3/10.


THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN (DVD):

...and Women. Oh dear, another over budgeted turkey. Terrible script matched by terrible acting puts this in the ‘maybe I will like it second time round’ category (although I said that about ‘Spiderman’ and ‘Mission Impossible II’). I really wanted to see this and after about 20 mins I wished I hadn’t bothered. Gutted. To be honest if it wasn’t for the appearance of an awesomely overstyled car and an equally awesome ship I would have been back on the internet searching for house insurance. Plot, script and purpose is sacrificed for silly pointless tit-for-tat fighting, and guns and explosions that goes on for hours (and you cant see half of what is going on). You get a five minute explanation of the ‘plot’ and then the fighting, guns and explosions start all over again… Yawn. Utter nonsense and a pointless waste of time. Please end… Thankfully, it did. 4/10.


DIE HARD 2: DIE HARDER (Sky One):

Classic action thriller sees Bruce Willis as the only person in a huge airport to suspect something is going on. Ridiculous in the extreme with the most implausible fight sequences, impossible point blank bullet dodging and the most useless police force in the world. More like Airplane than Rambo but Willis is great and I like its Charlie’s Angels ‘tongue in cheek’ approach. Its not serious, just a bit of fun !!! Everything about this is bad but I was gripped and I loved it ! 8/10.


GONE IN 60 SECONDS (ITV2):

Nicholas Cage is mightily impressive as a top car thief who has to steal 50 cars in 3 days or his kid brother gets it. Weak plot to say the least and at the end of it all stealing the cars is just waste of time. Cage is way way too good for this movie and puts the other ‘actors’ totally in the shade – especially the great Robert Duvall who is awful and the bald black cop who hams it up more than Bill Shatner. Embarrassing. Still, enjoyed gawping at some of the awesome supercars on display and admired Cage’s portrayal of coolness under pressure. 6/10.


PHONE BOOTH (DVD):

Excellent thriller about a vigilante who sets up a cheat and a liar (Colin f**king Farrell) for mass humiliation in public. Farrell is compelled to answer a ringing phone and as he does so exposes himself to a sniper who is hidden somewhere in the high rise buildings above. The gunman plays God threatening to kill Farrell – and others – unless he comes clean about his life. Gripping and tense it seems there is no way out of the phone booth. The climax is well thought out and rewarding. A very good story with some really excellent acting, not least by the mysterious gunman... 8/10.


AMERICAN PIE (Five):

Classic US student comedy with quality performances by everyone, except Kevin’s frigid girlfriend. And not because she’s frigid. By far the best of the three movies to date. 8/10.


FINDING NEMO (DVD):

Top quality Ukrainian DVD and good job because the sound and graphics in this movie are phenomenal. There are some really beautiful images on screen. Having seen him in the ‘In-Laws’ I’m already a fan of Al Brooks and he’s as equally neurotic in this, even though he’s a ‘clown’ fish. His co-star is an amnesia suffering fish called Doree, played by the hilarious Ellen DeGeneris. She is excellent too. Having said that after seeing the trailer in cinemas and leaving the DVD opening menu on screen for more than 5 minutes (the funniest part!) I thought this would be a total scream from beginning to end but its not that funny really. I appreciate it is more for kids but you don’t need adult humour to laugh and it does drift along a bit. It has its moments, is a very good film and is truly amazing to watch but story wise and emotion wise the Lion King is still the best Disney movie to date. And it’s got those really great songs! 7/10.


SCARFACE (Sky One):

Fascinating story about the life of angry Cuban low life Toni Montana (played by the superb Al Pacino) who makes it big in the drug world in the USA. Gripping but disturbing Toni is a fearless ‘headcase’ who wants to be ‘Mr. Big’ but how ‘big’ does he really want to be? How big can you get?? When he gets to ‘where he wants to be’ his pomposity and ego grows and grows to such an extent that he alienates everyone and anyone who questions anything he says – including friends and family. An example of the dangers of ‘success’ going to your head and dispelling the myth that life as a millionaire drug baron is not so ‘cool’. By the end of the movie you just cant wait to see him get plugged… Oliver Stone really has created a ‘Classic’ but at times it does feel a bit corny, probably due to the numerous parodies made ever since. The clothes, jewellery, accents and appalling 80s soundtrack are cheesy beyond belief. Pacino is truly magnificent in probably his most famous role ever – and you can see why – but the movie is too tense and disturbing to be called ‘enjoyable’. 7/10.


TWINS (Sci-Fi):

Schwarzenegger plays the ‘perfect man’ who was conceived in a lab 30 years ago and goes to the USA seeking his long lost twin brother, played by the superb Danny DeVito. DeVito is truly magnificent and if you’ve never seen him or liked him before now this is him at his very best – a very talented guy who could play anything. Ridiculous story yes but full of humour, genius one liners, great acting and very emotional at times too. I could watch it again and again. Great. 9/10.


LAST ACTION HERO (Sci-Fi):

James Cameron inspired idea (I think!) hence usually good. Danny Maddigan is an ugly annoying kid who worships movies and in particular adores action cop ‘Jack Slater’ (played by Schwarzenegger). Schwarzenegger is brilliant in this send up of himself and all other action heroes known to man but the best performance comes from the magnificent glass eyed bad guy Charles Dance. Full of wit, puns and deliberately naff cliches it is a laugh but something is lacking in this movie preventing it from being ‘great’. Great idea though. 7/10.


DOGMA (Five):

One of those mind boggling but high quality scripted Kevin Smith flicks featuring real life lovers Matt Damon and Ben Affleck. Ingenious, albeit it ridiculous, story about two bad angels (Damon & Affleck) trying to get back into heaven cos they (well, Damon anyway) killed a lot of human beings during their weekends off, e.g. plagues, tidal waves – it was them. Terrorists. The sexy bird from Men In Black is the ‘chosen’ one to stop them entering heaven. Her job is to stop them entering a certain Church in New Jersey, but in order to find which Church she must be guided by two prophets, the hilarious Jay & Silent Bob, and seek guidance from some Apostles along the way. Eventually everything works out ok and God turns up at the end (in the guise of Alanis-where-the-hell-is-she-now-Morrisette) and thanks everyone. Very clever, novel and funny it is enjoyable but everyone talks so fast it is hard to keep up. Pretty headache inducing, but gud. 7/10.


DOWN WITH LOVE (Nantgarw Showcase):

Novel 1960s style love story farce featuring Renee misery chops Zellewegger and Obi eWan McGregor. McGregor plays a top reporter who happens to be the City’s number one stud, sex symbol and ladies man who is intent on making ‘ladies you don’t need a man’ feminist Zellewegger fall in love with him. Starts very slowly and you are overcome with a sense that this is going to be a very dull, naff Doris Day/Bewitched type re-make but stick with it, the concept grows on you. Great performances all round, especially by the multi-talented McGregor and the very funny supporting cast, and before you know it you are gripped. Thankfully it is not a musical (as I expected it to be) so it just about keeps naffness at bay, but it is very 1960s and beautifully shot. Grandparents will love it and there were plenty in the Cinema believe me! Not bad at all but non-purists who like superheroes, guns and car chases will hate it hate it hate it. 6/10.


WOLF (Sci-Fi):

Jack Nicholson wears 59p plastic teeth from Asda and it shows… need I go on? How can a Hollywood legend who earned billions from Batman alone be persuaded to participate in such dross ? What was he thinking? Michelle Pfieffer is in it too!!?? And James Spader?!? And Prunella Scales (Basil Fawlty’s wife in character)!?!?!? Aaaaaaaah. What an absolute howler. Pardon the pun. 2/10.


PSYCHO (New Version)(Sci-fi):

Not sure why it was on Sci-fi channel but Lina had never seen the original and I’d never seen this 2000 remix featuring Anne Heche. Although the plot remains the same (thankfully) they do add a lot of unnecessary scenes just to pad it out a bit. I’ve never seen the actor who plays Norman Bates before - or since (don’t know his name) - but he seemed pretty good. What this movie does is demonstrate just what a genius Hitchcock was as his overall direction and the “less is more approach” in the original is far more effective and more thrilling than this “lets give them more” version. Watchable only as a comparison to the original. 6/10.


THE RING (DVD):

Billed as terrifying and shocking and a winner of several awards one cannot help watching this movie with some initial trepidation but before you know it you are looking at each other trying to work out what’s going on. And when you find out do you really care? It’s about a young girl who can project visual images into people minds and onto paper. As a result of her freaky talent she was treated badly by her family and now she wants people to know about it, forever. She creates a Tate Gallery style video with some strange black and white images and we are informed that people die 7 days after watching it. How they die we never really know. Heart failure was mentioned in passing. We get an explanation about what the ‘curse’ is about and that’s it. Pretty naff really considering it is a promising idea. It only had two shocking moments (I counted them) and overall was pretty flat and unfulfilling. Disappointing especially given the hype. 4/10.


FINDING NEMO (DVD):

I watched this again in a better mood and boy this is a wicked movie. I think I already said what a great visual treat it is but I concentrated harder this time, laughed and noticed some truly genius moments. And I watched the closing credits too! Robbie does a brilliant job of the closing theme tune. Amended score: 9/10.

DUETS (DVD):

No. I never heard of it either. Sits in the category of ‘the hyped movies are usually bad, so the unknown ones must be complete pants’. This is an unknown. So there you go. If you really want to know it is about unknown actors and Gwyneth Paltrow singing in a karaoke competition. Need I go on? Ok then, thank God for the appearance of Huey Lewis who steals the show with a very impressive performance, both singing and acting. Plods along with silly sub plots which go nowhere and ends with the usual big ‘$5000 Competition’ at the end. Naff. Sime, I thought you said you only bought good movies??? Our survey said: ‘XXX’. 2/10.


TIGERLAND (DVD):

Much touted Vietnam training movie featuring the ever impressive Colin Farrell. Farrell plays ‘Bozz’, a maverick soldier who hates being in the army, so he says. His instransigence attracts favour with other soldiers except one who is hell bent on trying to kill him. He becomes a bit of role model to others but throughout the movie I couldn’t stop giggling as it kept reminding me of that Stan Ridgeway song ‘Camouflage’. Learned some cracking bad language and put downs though. It is good but not ‘brilliant’. It is just another military movie emphasising the discomfort and dilemmas faced by soldiers. Seen one, seen them all. 5/10.


BRIDGET JONES DIARY (DVD):

I remember watching this first time and hating it but this time I quite liked it. We watched it as there is a sequel pending. It’s put Lina straight off Hugh Grant though. Not a bad performance by misery chops and I liked the performance by silent but deadly barrister Colin Firth. If you haven’t seen it don’t worry about it, but it’s basically about a boring ‘cant get a man’ loner (played by Zellewegger) who has an affair with her boss (Grant) only to learn that a long time family friend (Firth) is the one who really loves her. Aaah. A nice tale but the true emotion in the movie really derives from the great song ‘Out of Reach’ by Gabrielle rather than any performances on screen. 6/10.


INTOLERABLE CRUELTY (UCI Swansea):

What an apt title. Just what I thought sitting through this tripe. Worst movie I have ever seen. Lina and I were quite looking forward to watching a romantic comedy with two potentially explosive characters in the good looking, smooth, silky voiced Clooney and the sultry manipulative Zeta Jones. Can’t go wrong? Oh dear. BIG time. What an appalling, pointless, directionless piece of junk. I have to agree with my more knowledgable brother and say Clooney doesn’t half appear in some turkeys. And this is the biggest ever. Cathy Z should also be more careful choosing her scripts in future or she’ll get a similar reputation. What a shocker. Full of nonsense, pointless and irrelevant sub plots, red herrings, pathetic ‘twists’ (I think they are supposed to be twists anyway) and the worst speech in history. If you want an idea of how bad this is I refer to a classic scene where top divorce lawyer Clooney stands before the lawyers of America and says “I am in love. We shouldn’t be destroying love, we should be nurturing it. Love is good”. Followed by one clap, two claps, ten claps, two thousand claps and rapturous applause and cheering. How bad is that ??? Everyone in the cinemas was looking at each other shaking their heads and there was silence as we all left. Absolutely dreadful. 0/10.


DIE ANOTHER DAY (DVD):

I saw this in cinema and loved it so I watched again on DVD - and still loved it. I still think this is one of the most interesting and best Bond movies ever as the last few movies – as much as Brosnan makes and excellent Bond – had me thinking this sort of thing was well past its sell by date. Modernised, stylish, smart special effects and amusing it’s real fun to watch. 8/10.


MATRIX REVOLUTIONS (Nantgarw Showcase):

So what is the Matrix ? You are part of the Matrix. What is my role ? You can work that out for yourself. Who is my enemy ? Look inside yourself and you will find the answer. How do I defeat the enemy ? You will find the solution in your heart. Will we win ? Only you can know this. So what is this all about ? Figure it out for yourself…
Will someone please cut the crap and tell me something?! This is worse than the X-Files – “ooohh what is the truth ? aaaahh we just want to know the truth, you are so close to the truth”. What truth ???? I’ve had enough of this mumbo jumbo bullshit. If you are so bloody clever then tell us something we don’t know!!! Grrrr. Ridiculous, over the top over complicated claptrap. What is the point ? I just find it wishy washy and frustrating. Get on with it! That put me in bad mood from the start.
So on to the special effects. To be honest by the time they arrived – well into a very long movie – I didn’t care. I just wanted to get out. This movie is BORING. I love to concentrate, listen and understand a movie, especially if they have some moral story to tell but this lost me after about an hour and I really wanted to go and do something else. Unlike the second Matrix movie the special effects don’t do enough to grab your attention and after seeing the mindblowing fight scenes and motorway chase in Matrix II this just looks like Star Trek. Another problem is that this time its all set in the ‘machine world’ and not ‘our world’ and thus is simply far too sci-fi and too removed from reality to be convincing. I had no empathy nor sympathy with any of the synthetic characters who are all caricatures of themselves. Because it is all so unreal the emotional ‘human’ element is lost. Sorry but I thought it was a chore to watch and didn’t enjoy it all. Lina disagreed, but she is often more right than I am! 4/10.


JUNGLE BOOK 2 (DVD):

Remarkable copy of the first. And that’s the problem – it’s the same as the first. It even has the same songs. Hardly impressive. 4/10.


INSOMNIA (DVD):

Al Pacino puts in yet another magnificent performance as a detective who accidentally shoots his partner whilst chasing a suspect through fog and has difficulty living with it. Equally Robin Williams kills a teenage girl ‘by accident’ and before you know it they are helping each other to try and cover up their ‘mistakes’. Pacino is really amazing to watch. So much skill. It is easy to be absorbed into everything he does and says and you cant help but stop and become hooked whenever he’s on screen. The equally brilliant Robin Williams is also impressive but its almost like looking at the expert and the trainee at work. Great stuff and another great piece of direction by Chris Nolan (Memento; Following) I like this guy’s work. 8/10.


METRO (Five):

Eddie Murphy plays a huck huck hostage negotiator in downtown San Francisco who meets one of the meanest looking bad guys ever. Despite lots of typical corny sub plots, like having an addiction (gambling in this case), an ex-girlfriend who hates him (guess the rest), a Chief Super who tells him not to interfere cos he’s “too close”, two partners who are killed in action (one near retirement), and a ‘this time its personal’ sort of thing it is surprisingly very good. I particularly liked Murphy playing a more serious role than usual and he’s very impressive and I also liked the fact that his new youthful partner is smarter and more talented than he is! This saves the movie from being yet another run of the mill ‘buddy-cop-partner’ routine. Very good. 8/10.



FINAL DESTINATION 2 (DVD):

Put your tongue in your cheek and don’t take this film too seriously. It’s a great laugh. The death sequences are shocking but the whole premise of the movie prevents it being disturbing. Stupid and hilarious its shock horror at its best. Very clever. 8/10.


THE WEDDING PLANNER (Channel 4):

You know, glamour puss is starting to grow on me. I have seen two movies starring J-Lo now and I have to admit she’s been impressive in both. Having really despised her based on her ‘pampered chops’ tabloid reputation the proof is in the pudding and I think she’s actually very good. I’m not into Latinos so her physical attributes, whilst charming, don’t really grab me but her performances really do. I find her interesting and she adds something to a character. If she is a glamour puss then it doesn’t show in her movies, which is admirable in itself. In this she stars as a potentially cringe-worthy Wedding party expert but her search for love becomes fascinating. Enter EdTV’s Matt McConaghy and she’s on her way. Predictable, but she’s good. 7/10.


LOVE ACTUALLY (UCI Cardiff):

After 4 days of trying we finally got into a car park and after queuing a grand total of an hour we finally got in to see this thing. Man this is doing well !!! I don’t remember any other movie being so chocker – not even Star Wars. We tried Nantgarw every day and all the Cardiff Cinemas and every time we got to the counter the shows had sold out. Never had that problem before. Might have to book from now on…
Anyway what a lovely movie. Lovely luvvy duvvy feel good movie which despite its potential yuckiness remains honest and fairly realistic – apart from the Hugh Grant and ‘Tim from The Office’ bits. Ok where they did they get that kid from ? Don’t know if he’s cute or scary (in the Halley Jo Osment style) but what a star.
Very funny in parts, especially with the translation mix up between Colin Firth and his Portuguese maid (-been there!-) but its also quite honest and moving (I refer the scenarios surrounding the brilliant Emma Thompson and the American office girl with a mentally ill brother). Thankfully it doesn’t get too ridiculous and mushy and I loved it. Part of the attraction was the superb cast and thus it is very ‘British’, as is the humour, but tragically this may be lost on other nationalities. Nice. 8/10.


THE BODYGUARD (Five):

Classic comedy featuring the morose ‘takes himself too seriously’ Costner and bell in every tooth Whitney Houston. Costner is ‘the best’ Bodyguard in the Universe and Whitney is a foul mouthed spoiled brat pop star. More like an extended Whitney Houston pop video than movie it is supposed to be a love story but Costner shows no emotion whatsoever and Houston is just a bike. Complicated slightly by a ‘wow didn’t see that coming’ plot the whole thing centres around a jealous sister wanting to kill Houston. Several yelled songs later can you blame her? Having said all that it is a good story and reasonably enjoyable to watch. 7/10.


ELF (Nantgarw Showcase):

Thought this might have been a sarcastic grown up movie but it was indeed a Christmas story about an overgrown Elf who discovers he is human! Could have been a U certificate it was so sweet and nice and although it was a funny, feel-good movie I did feel kind of embarrassed to be there amongst the kids. 6/10.


BIG (Five):

I forgot about this movie! This is probably my favourite of all time. Tom Hanks is magnificent as a teenage boy who is transformed into a man’s body. He gets a highly paid job as a research and development technician in a toy store. His job is to play with toys and tell his superiors what he thinks of them. Is this the best job in the World or what? Every child’s – and most adult’s – dream! Didn’t fancy the love interest much though. Urrrgh. Superb. 10/10.


MONSTERS INC (DVD):

Highly rated Pixar animated Disney story about Monsters whose lives depend on collecting screams from children. Very good but quite scary for children I would have thought despite the obvious intentions. Good but not great, and not as good as Finding Nemo. 6/10.


AMERICAN PSYCHO (DVD):

Christian-Welsh-boy-with-American-accent-Bale is magnificent as a high flying business executive who has a penchant for murders and executions, I mean mergers and acquisitions. Hilarious and disturbing at the same time the brilliant performances are matched by the equally superb script. This is a Classic must see movie handled beautifully by ironically a female Director. Great stuff. 9/10.


WRONG TURN (DVD):

Whilst driving down a long distance highway a man finds himself caught behind a road block. In order to avoid the mayhem he takes a ‘wrong turn’ and ends up travelling down a forestry road where he meets up with five classic ‘sexy’ teenagers. With both their vehicles out of action they seek help, but unbeknown to them the forest is inhabited by three deformed neanderthal men who hunt humans for sport and survival. That’s it. That’s all you need to know. An uncomplicated no brainer-no motive-no story movie. And I liked it for that. Includes some unique special effects co-ordinated by none other than Terminator god Stan Winston. 7/10.


COUPLING (DVD):

Ok, so it’s a BBCTV series but saw both Series 1 & 2 on DVD and it’s a Classic so had to mention it. The difference between men and women summed up beautifully. Brilliant script and brilliantly played by a superb cast. They are all heroes – and anti-heroes! Never want it to end! Anyone got series 3 yet??? 10/10.


BOYS DON’T CRY (DVD):

Superbly convincing performance by Oscar winning actress Hilary Swank in this touching and harrowing true story about a young girl with a ‘sexual identity crisis’, i.e. she thinks she’s a boy. One for all homophobes everywhere this movie achieves so much at so many levels. The gut wrenching and emotional climax leaves you breathless and stunned and the fact that this is a true story makes it all the more remarkable. Magnificent movie but quite upsetting. 8/10.


CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON (DVD):

I have no idea what this movie is about. I suppose it is a little like a Star Wars Jedi Knight story. Here is a young girl who is a very talented – but a very angry – martial arts expert who is encouraged by a ‘good man’ to try to temper her anger and encourage her to use her skills for the common good. She never does and remains a contemptible little shit throughout. Nevertheless there are some of the most amazing and spectacular fight sequences ever seen in a movie that are well worth watching, thus it is a ‘must see’ movie if only for that. 5/10.


‘O’ (DVD):

Modern remake of the Shakespeare tragedy ‘Othello’. Set in US High School black basketball star ‘O’ (Mekhi Phifer – what a name) is in love with flat faced Julia Stiles. The basketball coach’s son is jealous of all the attention O gets so starts a rumour that Stiles is seeing another boy behind O’s back. In a rather unmodern way O immediately takes this comment overly seriously, despite the lack of any evidence, and over-reacts making ridiculous accusations about Stiles. What then unfolds is a ridiculous plot to kill Stiles and her ‘lover’, set up by the Coach’s son. If you know Shakespeare tragedies you will know there are no such things as happy endings thus be prepared. Brilliant performances by all the cast but it doesn’t really work as real people are a bit more switched on and reasonable these days. The idea that he would plot to kill the love of his life based on a rumour is ridiculous. 6/10.


FREAKY FRIDAY (Nantgarw Showcase):

After much queuing again during the festive season we eventually went in to see this modern remake of the Disney Classic. An ageing Jamie Lee Curtis plays a stuck up psychiatrist who finds herself exchanging bodies with her heavy metal teenage daughter following an argument at a Chinese Restaurant. Curtis is excellent playing the teenager but this is really one for the girls as I still find it difficult to understand why they have such crushes on ugly men (I am a case in point!). Yes it’s predictable and sentimental and you know what’s coming but its fun and a nice feel good movie. Makes a change from all the death and tragedy we’ve seen in movies lately. 6/10.


10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU (Five):

Flat faced Julia Stiles appears again in a US College teen movie about a stuck up girl who refuses to date. Her hilarious father has a house rule that her more flamboyant younger sister cannot date unless her older sister does. The college stud loves the younger sister and will do anything to date her and thus pays an MTV Jackass Wildboyz-style hippie to try and date misery guts Stiles. You know what’s gonna happen. Yes the hippie falls for her anyway despite the money, then she finds out he was paid to date her, they have a row, then she admits she loves him anyway blah blah blah. In an ironic twist the college ‘cute boy’, not the college stud ends up dating the younger sister and everybody’s happy. Apart from the stud. Classic college fantasy dating story full of cheese and cliché but an impressive performance by Stiles nonetheless. 4/10.


COLD MOUNTAIN (Odeon, Bridgend):

Magnificent epic love story set during the US Civil War starring Jude Law, Nicole Kidman and misery chops Zellewegger. Law is an ordinary bloke who falls in love with a preacher’s daughter, played by Kidman. Unfortunately before they get chance to get it on the Civil War starts and Law is sent on his way into battle. Despite serious injury Law recovers and deserts from the Army and sets out on a long long walk to be with his love. To say any more would spoil what is a dramatic and heart warming adventure story. Very long at almost three hours the first hour is a drag and the movie seems to be going nowhere. Stick with it as the last two hours fly by. Ironically the sudden appearance of misery chops helps the movie along but not because she’s fantastic or anything it just takes Kidman’s life down another path. Potential Oscar winning movie here and expect nominations for many of the superb cast. I expect misery chops will get nominated for something but honestly I still think she’s over-rated and remains a caricature of herself. 9/10.


LORD OF THE RINGS: RETURN OF THE KING (Odeon, Bridgend):

Not much to say about his 3½ hr long epic – go see it. It will blow your mind. If you can put up with the dodgy dialogue, overly long pauses and a numb bum you will be in awe at this special effects feast. In fairness Peter Jackson covers everything and ties up all the (many) loose ends which hinder the previous two chore bores. At last the whole thing makes sense and the battle sequences are just awesome. Yes there is some Braveheart and Empire Strikes Back copying going on but they worked damn hard on this and try their very best to make it original. There is some truly breathtaking amazing camera work, scenery and computer graphics which puts most movies to shame. Everything else just looks very old fashioned after this. The scale of this whole thing has to be seen to be believed and Jackson has to be applauded, not least by the Academy. It won me over and I left the Cinema feeling that I had my money’s worth for once. You can’t get a bigger movie than this. 9/10 (would have been an unprecedented ‘10’ if it wasn’t for the long sit).


THE WATERBOY (BBC1):

Adam Sandler plays yet another simpleton who this time works as a water carrier for a local American Football team. After being ridiculed out of his position he joins another team for free where he puts his water expertise to the test. After being mocked furthermore with the new team he finally loses it and flattens one of the bigger players, much to the admiration of the team coach. As a result he gets a place on the team and becomes the main star through his aggression and tackling prowess. It turns out that his demeanour is caused by an oppressive mother who has lied to him for years to protect her own selfishness but needless to say her attitude changes as he becomes a local hero. I suppose the underlying theme is everyone is good at something if given the chance to express themselves. Not funny at all really and the only source of amusement (for me) comes from the power of his tackling. If anything the movie is a bit patronising, not just for ‘simpletons’ around the world but for the audience too. 4/10.


PETER PAN (Odeon. Bridgend):

Dark mysterious version of the Classic tale featuring some great performances by James Isaacs (for once) as Hook and Peter himself (with his cute cheeky Robbie Williams grin). Wendy is a bit of a noisy pain though and in the early stages her sexual awareness is a bit creepy. Great special effects spoiled by some dated dodgy flying sequences this is an up and down sort of movie where you don’t know if it is sweet, nice and aaah or just plain dark, violent and depressing. Its not a great tale anyway unlike other Disney classics as it never really goes anywhere. Peter wants to remain a boy all his life, but to amuse himself he introduces some kids to his playground and when they’ve had enough and decided to grow up, back home they go and back to Neverland he goes. The end. Its a Mini adventure. 6/10.


LOST IN TRANSLATION (UCI Cardiff):

After Neil’s rave review we had to go, but unfortunately The Last Samurai was sold out so we had to settle for this… Thankfully we were pleasantly surprised. Bill Murray is truly excellent, in a more serious role this time as an ageing movie star who goes to Tokyo for a week or so to shoot some whiskey commercials. He is lost and alone in a strange country and his only companion is – whiskey. Whilst sat at the bar he catches the eye of a young married girl whose husband is a here today, gone tomorrow (on business) photographer. She too is alone in this strange World, most of the day. They chat at the bar, become friends and spend the week together exploring the city rekindling their lost zest for life. And that’s about it really. Tokyo really is a magnificent city. The terrific camera work really sums up how strange and different life in Japan really is - now I want to go! Cinematography, Director and Murray are perhaps the areas which may attract interest from the Academy, but it will be a tough job with Return of the King as opposition. Very good but certainly not ‘superb’ or ‘must see’ and I wouldn’t really want to see it again. 6/10.


BOWLING FOR COLUMBINE (DVD):

Michael Moore’s Oscar-winning masterpiece about the paranoia of American people. 10 million Canadians own 7 million guns yet they keep their doors unlocked and kill less than 250 people per year. Europe and Japan – alleged kings of violence, martial arts, computer games, movies – don’t even get into the 100s. The US kill 11,175 people per year. Why? What an incredible statistic. Moore discovers that money, greed, corruption, self preservation and racial hatred are the main causes for such acts of extreme violence. Americans are so frightened of one another think they can be judge jury and executioner if they feel in any way threatened. Self preservation = Capitalism. What do they have that’s so wonderful? Threatened by what? Its all down to politicians and irresponsible rating-seeking news reporters telling people they are not safe. Americans are constantly bombarded with images of violence and murder on their many TV stations, and despite the statistics showing that crime is actually falling perversely the publicity – all bad publicity at that – is increasing. Moore is a genius. He can be a bit over the top at times but putting his personal powerful emotions aside you cannot ignore the evidence. Throughout the movie you find yourself nodding your head in agreement. Who the hell needs a loaded gun in their home? A cheap, cowardly, instant execution device for sad lonely frightened people. Frightened of what? Stop watching American News and listening to the hype assholes!!! Get a life. 9/10.


SIRENS (VHS Video!):

Found this old tape in Bridgend featuring a rather young looking Hugh Grant. Lina remembered seeing a good movie starring Hugh Grant (no, not one of the big ones) but the name escapes her. It might have been this. No. Definitely not. Ranks alongside Bill & Ted and Intolerable Cruelty as one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. Soft porn dressed up as art. Ironically this the whole point of the movie – and the subject matter. Sam Neil badly plays an Australian artist who paints nude women at his country home. Grant is a vicar who despises of such pornography and wants Neill to change his ways. Neill invites him to his house to experience it for himself. At the house reside four temptresses who can’t wait to get their kit off – and do so at every opportunity. Lots of free tits and fanny. Although Grant doesn’t succumbe to the temptations of ‘evil’ his wife gets well stuck in. They leave and suddenly his wife is a ‘free’ woman. And Grant smiles. The end. Utter rubbish. Shockingly bad. Apart from the nudity. 2/10.



COMING SOON: MHW’s Top Ten Movies of All Time. And Top Ten Worst.